For the past half a year or so, I was exploring the topics of authenticity and purpose. And recently Dr K had a video regarding this (highly recommended).

So what is authenticity? It is not one thing – for some it might be being vulnerable when hurt; for others – full creative expression via dance or any other art form; for some – going full on in the appreciation of their nerdy hobby. I could go on and on but the unifying characteristic is that true authenticity involves dropping the mask (ego) we put on for the comfort of others.

One aspect of authenticity I’m exploring is how being authentic relates to being both aware and also welcoming of the internal emotions. How does escaping and suppression deprive me of my own authenticity (by instead forcing a mask on me or just pure avoidance), consequently, drives me away from seeking my purpose (or just making me blind to it).

It is mentioned in this, but also many other videos, there is a specific term when someone is blind to their internal emotions – alexithymia. A lot more common in men, as naming emotions is a skill we rarely learn.

And unless you’re extremely lucky and you just stumble upon your purpose (and in that case – you might not actually know it!), lack of understanding and allowing your own emotions will also hide whatever signals your whole self gives out to what is actually important to you, what could drive you into a fulfilling life etc.

And recently, I’m trying to retrace the occasional glimpses of pure (blissful even) purpose and drive, waiting to be uncovered after years of ignorance and escapism. Relatively speaking, I’m certainly not struggling financially and I am following my dharma, but, even after years of meditation and reflection, I often feel like I still try to escape being and looking for my purpose, to actually stay in the mentioned feeling, doing some grand, fulfilling etc.

That occasional fleeting feeling I have appears during reflection when I see other people, mostly creatives, showing their own version of authenticity fully, maskless. Perhaps some of those things are my own karma seen through the actions of others, or just purely as examples worth following. The feeling is both scary and exciting, down to the core of my being, and often just fills me up with energy, such that I do not often have in my daily work.

I often think that the feeling is fleeting mostly because I do not let myself (as much as I would like to) pursue that karma, rather I suppress it in some way, be it my ego, escapism or similar. As I mentioned, it still has a flavour of being somewhat difficult to allow and, at least in my internal self, can feel a bit overwhelming – it is indeed scary to demask myself.

But what would happen if I stayed in the feeling and engaged in it fully? If I gave more and more time to this, rather than something that’s safe for me right now? How would my life change?

I’ll give an example when I catch a glimpse of that feeling. I have been playing D&D for almost ten years now, and have actually published an adventure a while ago, with roughly 200 downloads (does not sound like a lot, but it’s actual downloads, not views!), but right around covid my involvement plummeted. I stopped watching related content, stopped engaging as much with the creation side of the adventures, and while running adventures decided to rather just run through ready made official published adventures. I would often argue that since it’s not economically as viable as the rest of my activities, that I should not pursue or spend as much time doing that (the creative part, not the playing part).

In one of Tim’s recent podcast, Tim and his guest talked about why bad people continue to earn a lot of money, despite the fact that no one actually wants to work with them (assholes win often). They cited Tony Robbins and the distinction between Science of Achievement and Path of Fulfilment – the first being the skill and strategy on maximising income and money, above relationships and any type of fulfilment apart from the numbers going brrrr, the latter – how to find your own path to a fulfilling life, purpose etc. And it got me thinking – that by optimising on the economic side of the activities, I tend to (still) lose sight of activities that might be more purpose and value driven, aka on the path to fulfilment.

I often meet a good friend of mine, with whom we talk about the creative side of D&D, about storytelling in general, fantasy books, writing even, games in general – many things that I continue to love and enjoy. If I were to pursue my path of fulfilment, can I somehow engage with the community more? Can I create more? Can I somehow participate more and be more and more authentic to the emotion of the drive I keep escaping for many years?

And then I ran into an example of a group of people who did just that – Critical Role, one of the if not the biggest D&D shows (just had a new season pop up, with a very strong cold open).

I’m looking at these amazing people, what they created, the production part, the story itself and the streaming part, how much they enable nerdy people to be seen and to be authentic and I’m just gosh, would be so cool to create and be this authentic. It’s not about the money, or the fame, but authenticity – just letting myself be nerdy as hell, joyful and playful in the most authentic way possible (as I believe, the cast feel themselves).

They not only built a huge show, but enabled and moved a whole community of nerds to get together, enjoy what they love, to paint, to draw the characters, run their own games based on Matt’s created world, buy merch that shows to everyone – I am myself loving this and am not afraid to show it. They even have a publishing company Darrington Press named after a publishing company in their own campaign, a fun continuation of the lore from their own world to ours.

Another example is of someone being unapologetically authentic comes from music, something I know very little about from the creation side of things. There is this singer whose music I find simply raw, especially the older songs, prior to when she popped off into absolute stardom. Gracies’ music helped me grieve a relationship that ended abruptly, with me piecing myself together afterwards. Everytime I listen to her songs, I deeply resonate with the authenticity and vulnerability in her songs, and am also fascinated how she remains kind and caring and what kind of people she then attracts. I went to her concert in Lisbon in February, never was I ever in a concert where every one person was a fan, singing along, being kind to each other – not unlike Gracie herself – the beacon of kindness and love herself, creating a safe space for everyone during the concert.

I then resonate with wanting to create a safe space for other people, built on kindness and authenticity, genuine love, creativity. A community of sorts, built on the grounds of something I can help with? Or just encourage and enable people? Reflecting on this feeling and thinking on how I can implement something like this in my life is why I got involved in contemporary dance production, forming a small non-profit to promote culture, enable dancers to pursue their art.

Everything above, to me at least, sounds like some deeper purpose already. And I believe there is no purpose without authenticity. And as I learned during multiple psychology videos, research and meditation practice in general, it seems like authenticity is hidden behind layers and layers of external motivation, societal requirements and the ego, obviously. Dr K even mentioned in one of the videos, that being stuck in external motivation will 100% lock you out of hearing something internal, as it’s usually two different parts of the brain working, one being on shuts the other down (and consequently, if one is the the internal motivation, external factors don’t seem to bother the person much).

Potential examples of external motivation that will stop a person from living their own purpose: working and living the lives of your parents, succumbing to the society, chasing money/fame/glory as validators, chasing sex, pleasure, dopamine and addictions; even just looking to provide as much value to the world even (as the value is not an internal thing, literally, decided by something out of your body).

How to detach from the external motivation? There are multiple suggestions on how, but whether one or the other will work for someone – up to debate. Some ideas how I try to do that: I stay bored or uncomfortable. Prioritize time spent on reflection and creativity (without an end result), looking for my own authenticity, rather than spending the majority of the day rushing around, solving other people’s problems, hoping that by the end of the day I might have some time and energy to do something for myself (often, I do not). By just letting myself engage and spend time on things I like and am attracted to, rather than immediately think about the inherent value of being in the activity. Also a big part, in my opinion, is actually noticing that the motivation is external – and that involves meditation practises for mindfulness, in particular. And many more things that gradually detached me from the ego more, so that other things are actually more and more visible and felt more clearly.

I often think that there is no specific path or just a quick solution, more like many things have to compound via slight increases over time, more and more of the inner purpose gets uncovered.

One of my recent changes is a morning practise of writing, not too far off from the topic of makers / managers schedules in Paul Graham’s old post, in some ways cited and reused by Tim Ferriss as well. I try to begin the day with creating, whatever it is to me (nowadays I wake around 6 in the morning, shower, then get a cup of tea and write for an hour or two). I prioritize spending some to listen to my internal self, rather than be off to work straight away.

True deeper creativity indeed happens when one is focused, without interruptions, yes, but more so when allowed to explore and be authentic in general, be curious, create and work on problems they care about, without the need to immediately prove how that or that thing is going to become a big deal / make millions / be grand outside of them. While for me it often feels like writing is a form of creation I love deeply, having neglected it for a while, my days after the morning writing session feel a lot more fulfilling, even though there is no particular meaning or growth strategy attached to it. The first few days I wrote a D&D story, then started working on this post, day by day chipping at different parts of it, trying to clarify the topic for you and me as well.

I would describe the things I’m slowly working towards as things I resonate with – activities or people etc. that have a particular quality of aligning with who I truly am, rather than who I should be. Perhaps writing is a part of my dharma, the way I can serve people – by clarifying ideas, mentoring in a way, or just by being kind and accepting – or at least trying to encourage people to be so. To be gentler to their own inner selves, to their authenticity?

As a side note, I noticed resonance becoming more and more important to me in relationships, both platonic and not. A person might be cool or attractive (in the case of non-platonic), however, there is something hard to pin down – a lack of resonance? And some people I resonate with immediately – feeling safe to be vulnerable, to be authentic, just to present and maskless. And I often find that I would rather spend more time with the latter, than the former, not unlike in my work related activities.
So my advice probably sounds like “Just be more authentic and you’ll find your purpose”. But there is a rather tricky issue I noticed lately – being authentic is not only about the internal choice and willingness to be so, but also the acceptance of others and overall safety when you drop the mask. And we need both, and neither is sufficient alone.

I often give the example of how safe the environment during my dance classes is – and it is noticeable not only by me, but others as well. Juozas, the teacher and a friend, encourages us to accept ourselves, to research and express our feelings and just be – not only via dance and movement, but various practises etc. But no matter how safe the environment is – some members of the group still struggle to open up, showing that there is a large part of authenticity that is blocked by their own internal willingness – the ability to be authentic – fully present in one’s body, moving joyfully, showing up in full colours etc. – depends on the person’s ability.

Every person’s situation is obviously different, whether it’s their whole life that’s in the way, or some trauma that was unprocessed, or any other kind of difficulty. What I hope to encourage via this post, for you, reading this, and myself – is to look for places, with safe people around, where we can show up without the mask on. I would prefer and resonate deeply with the world where this is encouraged and appreciated more, rather than where the authenticity of ours is stifled.

And at some point, coupled with the changes in the overall environment and us taking more chances – we can’t wait for perfect safety to show up – perhaps we will give ourselves the permission to be shamelessly ourselves, to be authentic and then to live our lives to the fullest (not unlike in Jim’s quote I keep using). We are indeed complete already.

My gift to you, perhaps, is an invitation to be authentic and to live to your true potential. And to also accept others as such as well, allowing everyone around you to be themselves fully, without shaping, demanding, judging them in order to make them more comfortable for you.

Not only is it the kindest way to live your own life, but also the kindest way to show up for everyone around you.

And as to myself – as I started writing daily, giving myself a chance to actually look for my own authenticity more, to engage, without goal or purpose, in writing, I am right now filled with purpose more so than I’ve been since, probably, the last post. Just hoping I will not lose sight of this again.

Keep being you.