In the avoiding post one of the things I mentioned as a reason for why I was (and still am) not pursuing bigger ideas and projects is me getting used to comfort. At least in my case, I define being comfortable from the perspective of not pushing my own limits and not challenging myself enough to grow faster and more.

For a while after the darker period of my life – where I barely worked at all – the way I would plan my schedule was more akin to “carving” some time for work. Even nowadays, I choose to dedicate a part of my day – usually morning to early evening, not unlike how normal people work – to doing something consulting/business related.

The rest of the day goes to my free time, be it sports, some gaming, dance, D&D, meeting friends or just general learning/exploration of topics I’m curious about. I am quite protective of this off time and there is little to no outside pressure for me to sacrifice any of it to earn more (as I am doing ok already).

So working harder – on bigger projects, more value created, making cool stuff, improving the world somehow – has to rely on some inner fire that’s unrelated to money / status, and that fire has to override my comforting free time activities.

And what exactly is missing inside – drive, purpose, fulfilment, even joy perhaps – in order to not only be able to choose more work, but also be energetically refreshed when doing so?

I keep asking the same question for many years now. Trying to find the answer, trying to find the drive so I can do that kind of work.

But I recently discovered that I’m asking the wrong question. It’s not that I’m missing something – it’s what I’m protecting. My comfort is not actually just about enjoying my free time, it’s a form of armour from the same things I’m afraid of and am avoidant of – being visible, risking failure, needing others.

My consulting work – although highly profitable – is easily within my comfort zone. Not pushing too much, not risking much, I don’t need to rely on others whatsoever – I created the perfect type of business to protect myself from the scary – to my identity especially – work. And in protecting myself, I’ve locked myself in a cage, making the work that matters to me – challenging and wonderful work – unreachable.

I had periods of my life where I pushed myself more. I am not certain whether there was some drive involved – but something was different: I wasn’t waiting for the drive to appear, nor did I need permission to do things – I just did the work. I started writing a series of posts in late 2020 to mid 2021 and then even the winter to summer of 2025. Instead of ending my work day at around 4, I would continue working – writing, learning AI in Turing, vibe coding some tool or just finishing up some work – all of these lead to more results and fulfilment, compared to just watching a TV series or gaming the evening away.

I might not be able to say where and how the drive to work harder would come up – but I understand that even without the clear idea as to why – just giving some additional time to think through things, to try things, to engage with life without immediately reaching for distractions – I can much more easily work towards the wonderful things I want to work on.

So the problem perhaps is not that I need a specific drive to do the work – it’s that I’m waiting for the drive before I’m willing to drop the protection. But it seems to be backwards – perhaps I remove the protection first – stop guarding my free time so fiercely, create space – and the drive will emerge from engaging with the work itself.

I already have in myself everything I need to do the work. The fear is still there – being visible, needing others, risking failure to my identity. But I don’t need the fear to disappear completely. I just need to stop using comfort as a way to avoid it.

This is me, leaving the cage.