When I’m reflecting on my drive to work and pursue goals, I often return to one core distinction: I’m not looking to do more work just for money / status / power, nor to fill in a void inside me – to run away from my fears, inadequacies, traumas etc.
Instead I aim to work from another angle: to stretch and challenge myself, to do meaningful things and beautiful work.
Rather than work so the fear disappears – I want to work despite the fear.
Recently I watched a Dr. K video about suffering as a choice and one thing he said clicked for me.
He talked about how people, men especially, try to avoid actually working on the things they might not like about themselves – instead sublimating the problems by checking out, distracting ourselves with dopamine activities and drugs or trying to become someone else.
And trying to become someone else really sounds just like “I feel bad about myself, so I’ll just make a ton of money and for sure will feel good and fulfilled, and that sadness and lack of self worth will certainly disappear. Yes..?”
This type of drive – becoming someone else through achievement – was never my pattern. Money, status, power never pulled me, nor did I ever believe that my hurts would go away if I just got those things. But I am sublimating, just differently: instead of working hard and grinding obsessively, I checked out. I distracted myself by comfort. Different methods, but avoidance all the same.
Truth be told, prior to the video – I did not understand how I could make changes to my life.
The healthier path mentioned in the video is rather simple – instead of choosing either of the three solutions – checking out, dopamine or becoming someone else – we should choose to take action that simply makes us feel good and proud of ourselves. Do something that would make my internal self feel good in a way that corrects the bad feelings I have about myself.
When I first listened to the video I immediately thought about this latest series of writing. I’m not trying to become a famous writer, nor am I just distracting myself – instead I just take action – write everyday. I tackle topics that make me feel bad about myself (my fears, avoidance, the cage I built). That’s what makes me proud: not running from the discomfort, but working through it.
After writing about the “Cage”, something shifted. I have fears regarding working on startups, as I mentioned before, but last week, instead of spending the evening distracted by gaming, I sat down, chose to actually engage with the fear and spent some time working on my tiny startup.
I fixed up the user experience, by making the whole project look actually something worth showing – for months, I let it look terrible – avoiding it because of my fears. And now I have my small startup idea looking much more complete and my internal self feels proud of at least trying to move ahead with the idea.
When I watched the Dr K video a few days later and started writing this post, it clicked – this is what he means by pride-based action. I’d been doing it without having the words for it.
I think now that when people repeat the suggestion of enjoying the journey more – this is what they actually mean – rather than hope for a dramatic and fulfilling finish line when a goal is met – instead take action day by day, being proud of the progress.
It’s a shift of mindset I need to practise myself, as it’s still rather new, but not gonna lie – feels much better to be me right now, even compared to being me a few weeks ago. And much better than many years before.
