In the last post I wrote about avoiding the pursuit of my purpose. Meditation is one of the tools I use to combat this – but not the kind most people are used to.

While at first meditation for me was just a relaxation tool, it soon morphed to working with identity and now as a practice to access suppressed emotions. This post is about the progression.

At the beginning, most of what I did during the meditation was just sit in silence, allowing thoughts to just pass through, without attaching to them or thinking about them too much. I continued that practice for quite a while, almost a year, of at least ten minutes of meditation prior to falling asleep, as a tool to practise and a way to at least for a bit – relax.

But during the reflections and realisations regarding ego, dharma and the self topics, the meditation practice deepened in many ways. I often say that there is much more to meditation than just relaxation or some control, and the basis to “much more” is the ego/detachment work.

There’s a few ways to frame thoughts, for example. One, in the way I meditated earlier, was just thoughts arise, let them pass through, but no extra layer of understanding needed/required there. This type of meditation is great when just some relaxation is needed, to downregulate emotions (prior to sleep), or when one is stressed out. But I often thought that perhaps the value of the practice diminishes afterwards, while there is no particular understanding attached to it – what are the thoughts? What’s the source/meaning of them?

And so the second is different – thoughts are simply still there, but none of them are actually my true self, rather, something the ego spills out on occasion – especially when the thought is related to my identity (positive or negative). Let’s say I have a thought such as “I’m worthless”.

Were I in the first step of understanding meditation – I would just try to let it pass as such, but there would still be attachment to it as if it’s something that is true about me or as if something I’m actually believing about myself.

In the second – my ego, the driver of my of identity and what I think about myself in terms of other people – is not actually me, nor what it says (in the thoughts created) is the truth or something a have to mindlessly follow and turn into reality. So the meditation practises at that point become practises at chipping away the attachments and beliefs I had formed into my identity, whether positive and negative.

Both can be detrimental – certainly many would agree that having negative beliefs and a negative identity would make for a very limiting and incomplete life, often, with a touch of depression, as it relates deeply with our understanding of ourselves (and being stuck in that belief). But the positive can also become an issue – if I believe myself to be better, I would indeed look down on others, treat them improperly, and also due to my own beliefs of what I should be doing and how – even if it’s actually generating financial gains/value – would dissuade me from pursuing things that are perhaps more fulfilling to me, but something that would threaten my identity.

The gifted kids problem is a good example of positive identity, something I’ve lived with. I had an easy time at both school and university, had built up a belief where I’m sliding through the learning easily, due to encouragement and the achievements. So my identity is positive indeed – I’m smart, I’m capable etc. But when I run into work that actually requires time and is challenging or, especially, overwhelming – that challenges my own belief in how smart I am. My instinct was to walk away rather than feel “less smart”. Meditation helps me see the pattern and catch myself more often and then choose differently.

Nothing happens without the seeing/noticing part, i.e. if the thoughts are are immediately internalised and acted upon and no actual check on whether they are actually true, what happens is that I will continue on the same predetermined path – one built by my upbringing, long lasting beliefs and such that were thrown upon me by everyone outside.

And if I notice those, then it’s time to take a step away and realise that the thoughts are not me, and therefore not something I need to attach to – and act upon. What this does, is despite my internal beliefs and by more easily changing them I can act in a manner that is different – say as in the post, I was afraid to take a leap of faith in my work, I notice the thoughts (and underlying emotions) arising that would often reinforce the fear – change the internal belief (or at least question it finally) and act otherwise.

I mentioned in the post about authenticity that some might end up in their purpose by accident, unknowingly why, but I personally prefer to have agency in deciding and acting, rather than hoping that my programming fits what’s required.

And occasionally just reshape the programming, of course, in order to change things that constitute derailment from my purpose and fulfilment, whether allowing myself to rely on people, to engage more and be exposed and vulnerable, or any obstacle to my growth.

There are a variety of types of meditation, certainly, that help in this. As I mentioned, just lying in bed for 10 minutes while trying to stave away thoughts is just one form (that can be used with the deeper understanding, for sure), but even something as small as just noticing more and more negative, self-deprecating thoughts that arise during the day – and detaching from the thoughts – it’s still a form of meditation.

For example, if I notice a thought rise, I step back, mentally, and say “It’s something my ego is saying, not me.” The distance from the thought helps with detachment, and the more I practise this, the better I get at not holding the thoughts too long, ruminating etc.

Most of the meditations I learned through either Dr K’s videos or his Healthy Gamer (HG) meditation guide – one can adapt the meditation to a particular mental health issue, or just a problem in their own lives (meditations for focus, detachment, impulse control etc.).

In summer, the meditation guide received several tracks of meditation, at three different difficulty tiers. Having meditated for quite a while and seeing what advanced meditation is about – emotional processing – I was too curious not to try. The track involves practises that sound esoteric – Bellows breath (stoking fire inside), Nadi Shuddhi (balancing), Om chanting (focus on vibration) and Vishudda and manipura link (following the breath in between chakras). I was sceptical – how can breathing exercises and vibrations help me access buried emotions? Doesn’t emotional processing involve actually thinking about the feelings instead?

I’ve mentioned in the authenticity post that unsuppressing my emotions was necessary for me to see my drive, purpose, things I’m inherently interested in, rather than intellectualising what’s best to do. In the literal sense – the meditation track does not actually help with working on the emotions, or even – the practice does not actually involve thinking about them. Rather, if what happens – bellows breath stokes up the fire and pulls out energy from within; the vibrations of Om – reverberates through the whole body, somehow – I can’t even explain – pulling out emotions into view; the linking meditation basically helps to unblock the flow between digestion and action chakras – helping me take action despite the fear (that was indeed suppressed in many ways).

After the first few days of the practice I cried, returning to a lot of unprocessed emotions I’ve been stowing away for the last few years. Ended up journaling for hours, mulling about the same hurtful and abruptly ended relationship. Those emotions that were at the top of the pile were quite literally pulled out, then I could work on some deeper and perhaps harder to discern emotions.

So what happens after practising these meditations? Fear comes up clearly, together with drive, curiosity, instinct and other positive things. Then it becomes easier to take action because I’m also taking steps in being more comfortable with the negative emotions (as being uncomfortable leads to avoidance altogether). And since more action is taken, the more positive emotions have more room to show up – including my own authenticity and purpose, often neglected when avoiding and suppressing them due to fear and other things.

This type of exploration ends up as a balancing act – trying to release as many negative emotions and triggers so as not to get overwhelmed and be able to sit in the discomfort, while also enjoying, at the same time, having more positive emotions, more drive. But just releasing something ends up too overwhelming for me, so I often take a small step back, balance myself, and try again.

My progress was not linear. The emotions surface in waves, and more often than not, I feel overwhelmed and my OCD kicks in, trying to give me a sense of control again, to reassure me somehow. It’s my own reminder that releasing suppressed emotions also brings chaos, not just peace, and I’d rather work through chaos than stay unmotivated and not living my life to the fullest.

There is certainly a lot of work to be done still, but I intend to continue the practises and allow myself to fully feel and engage with life more. The fear will not simply disappear because I’ve noticed it – how I am avoiding negative emotions and choosing comfort too often. And what meditation gave me was not just peace, but my agency back – the ability to see my programming and rewrite the stories I decide to rewrite.