In my previous post, I wrote about authenticity and how it often comes before purpose. This time, I’m writing about having consistently found or felt the purpose, yet being afraid to pursue it.

One of the things I deeply resonate with is the idea of me working on my own startup. Around 2014-2016 I was much more engaged in the scene, participated (and won) in the local Startup Weekend events, even helped with a friend’s startup for a while (by doing an analytics setup).

Past that time, I was in a sort of hole where I did not really engage with the world much. At the time I even read the book The Second Mountain that perfectly describes the situation – the first mountain being the mountain of achievement, status, power chasing etc., then at some point – we notice that there is little to no fulfilment there (or, some, just keep chasing higher and higher mountains to climb). Down below this mountain is a valley of despair, where many people get stuck for a while, looking for purpose, while the second mountain is described in terms of greater purpose and fulfilment, rather than external rewards – building relationships, community, serving etc.

During my time in the valley, I continued listening to business, startup and tech related content, but completely from the outside, with little to no participation. I continued working on the relatively secure and comforting consulting (that generated the majority of my income, bar a few small businesses), but for a long time I could not find the motivation and drive to pursue startups again.

It took me a while to realise that at some point in the journey, what kicked in was my own feelings of inadequacy / fear of being big and visible, instead falling into my habits of escapism and retraction to a relative safety in the “I will just consult and solve other people’s problems, but not do something similar myself.” which includes investing my own money, time (whether for writing or just working on projects).

I still to this day feel like there is barrier of sorts of investing time in something that does not generate results immediately (or is guaranteed to) as the delay of getting results from my own project are so far away, that I’d say even at the level of the reward circuitry – they are basically invisible to my brain (and gaming, dopamine addictions etc. don’t help much).

Nonetheless, I keep seeing content related to tech, and keep feeling the same resonance – whether it is by remembering a tv series Halt and Catch Fire, reading a book about the Build about Tom’s work on Apple and Nest and the intricacies of management and decision making, thinking how cool it would be to at least try and test myself in Silicon Valley (YCombinator!), or listening to the biographies of founders from David Senra, or even remembering how I gobbled Steve Job’s biography while betting who will read faster with the same friend Claudio.

The interest (curiosity perhaps?) keeps recurring, but I take no actual action. And this post I would like to dedicate to this exact problem – if I have so much interest, why can’t I seem to actually choose to pursue this, no matter how often I think or even get driven to do so?

In part, I attribute this to me getting used to comfort. After leaving my last actual employment almost 15 years ago, I built a consultancy business where I solve my client’s problems by myself. No agencies, no colleagues, no dependencies.

This kept me safe, but also capped what I could do – I simply cannot be good at every part of the business – hardware, software development, sales, design etc.. So by avoiding relying on others, I unconsciously (or with a hint of self sabotage) ruled out most types of ideas before I even started.

I tried fixing this in the wrong way, by just improving in one of the areas – I joined Turing College to learn AI engineering and become better at software development. I participated in the AI hackathon looking for cofounders and ideas. But nothing stuck. The ideas weren’t followed through, the team dissolved and I returned to consulting.

What I realise now is that I was not solving the real problem. I built a life where I could avoid the vulnerability of needing others, and that means I couldn’t do the kind of work I actually want to do.

I often reflect on why it is difficult for me to choose to pursue something bigger, riskier, something that exposes me and my authentic self in a way that’s different than just pursuing my more hobby-like activities.

For example, when I am writing there is no actual financial incentive and I can always fall back to “If I fail, it is just a hobby”. There are no real stakes here, no matter how vulnerable or exposed I was when writing. Perhaps if writing develops into something bigger and stakes became larger – it would shift, certainly, but right now, pursuing a startup of some kind, has both the qualities – something I would like to do – would make me vulnerable, visible and exposed – while also having high stakes, as there is less of an easy way out when I get involved in a startup. I would actually need other people to do the wonderful work (as Steve Jobs puts it – work that changes things) I would like to do.

And that is what scares me a lot and stops me. Failing there would mean much more in terms of ego and perceived loss of identity, as well as impact my life in general – my financial situation, would require more sacrifices etc.

I once wrote down on my Miro board that I am afraid to be big – to expand my boundaries, to move away from the comfort zone, to challenge myself and particularly to put myself, on purpose, in a vulnerable situation – being visible as someone doing a startup, failing in front of other people, making mistakes and getting successes – will inherently lead to exposure and both people who cheer me on, as well as people who will want to put me down, throw shade etc.

This same issue was what started as a realisation years ago, when I started writing about the stories we tell ourselves, and when I finally got to realise the impact of my ego, how, somewhat unbeknownst and unconsciously, the societal pressures and the expectations/should from my parents and other close people led me to a path that I neither wanted to follow, nor need to.

I often reflect that there are multiple similar events where it was better for me to be less visible so as not to attract unwanted attention – primarily due to bullying at school, where actually wanting to learn and to be smarter, doing more, was rewarded by cruel words and harassment, rather than encouraged and appreciated – unlike my parents who always supported me and I am forever grateful as they provided a safe space.

But this internalised edge of trying to stay in the comfort zone, safe, not getting myself to be vulnerable is both a thing that caps me, yet again, on what I will be able to do (easily), as well as does not allow me to be in my authentic self and work on something that I find purpose on.

I’m telling this story in order to give an example of how insidious one’s thinking can be – sneakily making changes to the identity in order to adapt better to the circumstances (as not to be bullied, I will adapt to being small and invisible). And much like in the authenticity post, having at this point the safe space to do so, my own internal willingness has to change so that I can and would instead of staying with the activities that are easy and nonthreatening, would allow myself instead to pursue my purpose and authentic wants.

There is a lot more work still to do, certainly, but bit by bit I am working with my own internal thinking, looking for ways how to unravel instilled limiting beliefs and instead pursue and be motivated by things that are authentically me. We recently had a similar talk with a good friend and we both agreed that living in comfort is not neutral. When I’m comfortable, it’s usually because I arranged my life to avoid things that I’m afraid to pursue, no matter how recurring the dream is. And these things – that would require me to be seen, to be vulnerable, to expand beyond the comfort zone or what I feel to be safe – are the ones that matter the most.

She also gave a great example of a person I know who did this a few years back, Saulius Baradinskas. I knew him from when I was into filming myself, we connected for a bit, and later on – I saw him choosing to pursue his dream, moving to study and work in Hollywood as a movie director. The same leap I often think about, but never took. And I can see myself in a similar situation – the distance between a guy in Lithuania and someone pursuing his dream in California (same state as the startup city of SF!) is so wide, it becomes both scary yet fascinating as well.

What I’m learning now is that the people I admire – Matt Mercer from Critical Role, Saulius with his move to Hollywood, the founders I read about – aren’t fearless. They just chose expansion over comfort. They let themselves need people, to be seen, to risk failure. And yes, that made them vulnerable and exposed, but also it led them to do work that mattered.

I’m writing this because I wanted to say this out loud – I’ve been choosing comfort over my own authenticity and purpose. And I want to change that. The manner it will turn out I’m still not sure about – perhaps a startup, or trying myself in SF, or maybe something different all together – but what it will be – is me letting myself be seen and needing people more, something I’ve spent years avoiding. This is me, starting.