When I was writing the Heart and Mind post I kept dancing around the topic of choosing to act through the heart more, but barely even scratched the surface of what that actually means.
Over these past several months, I reflected a lot, meditated and challenged myself to figure it out. And reading the previous post now, the missing piece of the puzzle is so clear, it’s not even funny.
I did indeed do a lot of work with my mind over the past 3-4 years – ego detachment, contentment, appreciation of the moment, dharma etc. Had I not done this part of the work – I’m not certain my next realisation would’ve happened.
Perhaps – I would’ve seen some of Dr K’s videos relating to the answer and glossed over, not seeing the actual truth behind my mind created illusion.
Over the years I kept returning to a very similar pattern – I would start working consistently and a lot, but eventually I would get burned out (there are moments of this documented in the Stories post and even earlier). A thought of why am I doing this would creep up. I would then chalk those thoughts up to my ego – me wanting to have a story, to feel remarkable or great, to feel attracted to some activity. To even be visible, authentic. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Feel this, feel that.
Most of these I put in the bucket with a sign “Ego” and left it there. Unnourished, uncultivated. Dormant.
I was indeed and still am – for the most part – content and happy with my work. I am motivated to improve, to challenge myself, to grow my businesses, but nonetheless – proof that I’m not that driven in this type of work would soon surface – by the end of the day I would get tired, drop all motivation and decide I need to step away and rest.
And the rest was never conscious restorative rest – nourishing for the body or mind (or heart), it was more about what the mind wanted – a distraction, a quick fix of pleasure. A game, a movie.
I would name my content and peaceful part of life when my mind was relaxed, ok with things, expansive – yet it was not fulfilled. And when I was challenged with wants, when I would question the authority of the mind – I named that contracted and making myself small.
My understanding expanded the moment I saw Dr K’s video about anima and animus. The internal / creating / emotions / feeling part of oneself and the external focused / analytical / logical part, respectively.
I was watching the video and thinking to myself – wait. I have not done much for the anima part whatsoever. While I have not pushed my emotions down in some way – by repressing them, hiding from them or running away from them. Instead I spent little to no time taking their counsel to the equation of my life – I honestly believed that being content is enough and there is no need to push beyond that. And should wants / emotions come up, they’re fine to be there, but shouldn’t impact my life much.
Yet they are the missing piece of the puzzle – being in my heart does not mean just not being in my mind, rather it’s accepting and feeling out my emotions fully. Not disregarding them in any way, not shoving them away, instead – trusting them to show me where to go and letting the mind do what it does best – structure how to move in the direction chosen.
It’s simple, yet extremely slippery. It’s very easy to rationalise the need for emotions away. And it’s even very easy to meditate the whole emotional processing course without actually feeling the emotions – rather just noticing, acknowledging them and intellectualising their existence.
I used to think that I lacked motivation. I was jealous of people who could work all day long, who would choose challenging projects, who would engage with the world a lot, who had some force driving them.
Motivation is emotion.
And I hoped to have it by listening to the mind. By following its plan.
And I wanted to create, yet never cultivated the part of myself that does the creating. Never felt out what I wanted. And should I ever do so – unconsciously – I would then make sure to return to contentment, thinking that feeling is not necessary in the proper spiritual path.
And after the day’s work of consulting, having spent time on various projects, with no emotion or my heart guiding me anywhere, I would do what the mind considered rest – distract distract distract.
In the spiritual traditions, to have full alignment with one’s true self, it’s not simply enough to soften the ego. It’s required to embrace the feeling part of ourselves – our shining and burning hearts. To balance the heart and the mind (and of course the needs of the body).
To not only grind towards a goal (mind), but willingly allow the direction to show up (embrace feeling).
When I was writing the posts last winter/spring, there was a teeny tiny voice pulling me towards greatness. Towards being more authentic. Towards being visible and vulnerable.
But the mind never let the feeling in fully. So I would stay small. Hidden. Protected.
The more I let the heart in – the more expansive I want and can be – as the mind no longer overwrites whatever feeling I have with its own choices.
And at that moment the last puzzle piece clips into place. I was drawn to the story of Steve Jobs and Apple, to San Francisco, Gracie Abrams’ music, Matthew Mercer of Critical Role, to startups, TV series Halt and Catch Fire, Seth Godin and marketing, and much more not because of fantasies of the ego.
It was and still is my pull. Where my heart sings. Where things that fill me with passion happen. Where the fleeting feeling of being fully engaged and fascinated by the beauty of the world is.
And indeed where the possibility of actual creation happens – it was maddeningly difficult to write and to create something NEW when I would not cultivate the heart whatsoever (more on that later).
One of the crowning moments of seeing this in action, with clarity I never saw before, was Tony Robbins’ interview with Alex Hormozi.
Alex names the mind part as Analytical Alex and the one laughing at jokes with a smile on his face as Anabolic Alex. Yet he admits to acting without giving the heart any say. And Tony is different – he has balanced both parts, his big heart and great mind – and then proceeds to be fulfilled at the level currently unattainable to Alex.
He is channeling his purpose in life – balancing both sides of the cosmic balance.
And once I let my heart guide me – even my evenings changed – what I would choose to do later in the day – so did my whole life. I am again immediately pulled into writing a post as I want to create and write something down.
I built an iPhone app over the weekend just to learn how to. I looked at potential studying opportunities again (perhaps doing a master’s degree).
I even looked at my consulting job again with renewed eyes – I can always nudge my work to things with more creativity, where I am more engaged. And even the work that’s not engaging – I feel its purpose, as the work offers patronage for me to explore and thrive.
It’s still just a small step, and experiment of letting my heart sing and my mind structure. To channel things from within. To finally just get it.
Perhaps what’s waiting for me, over time, is being blissfully in the creative, expansive, filled with greatness state I so yearn for over the years. The one I felt listening to Gracie, or glimpe in the Critical Role games. The one I saw in authentic people true to their own selves.
None of it would’ve happened without the ego work, as the mind would’ve been unlikely to actually loosen its grip on my heart.
Now, slowly, carefully, the heart starts shining brighter and brighter everyday.